DATELINE MISSOURI, BY DIZZY GASHOUSE
Illustration: The Best Missouri Has to Offer (Besides Me)
Our Missouri correspondent filed this breaking report:
Ferguson, MO. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that ISIS is involved in the recent troubles in St. Louis County, MO. Al-Maliki has resigned as head of Iraq and therefore can not be blamed for the Caliphate activities, if any, and we stress IF.
Governor Jay Nixon snapped into action today by giving a press conference in St. Louis City with all sorts of black people behind him. The Missouri Guard is taking over the investigation. The death of a "black African-American male," as described in all the major networks to distinguish him from a white African American male was clearly an outrage as were the tactics used by the Ferguson Police dressed in full camoplage gear with military style rifles.
Nixon managed to restore calm by speaking long and slowly, with frequent utterances of "uh" on all local St. Louis Stations and the three major cable networks to the point that most fell asleep or were lulled. Only reporters seemed to maintain an interest and he answered every question at great length with the proper amount of vagueness.
Last night, two reporters were arrested and thrown in jail, one from the Huffington Post and another from the Washington something or another, for being in a McDonalds. One was thrown against a coke machine, injuring the machine, and may well be facing charges from the Coca Cola Company, as any of you who have seen Dr. Strangelove knows.
New Black Panthers, Nation of Islam, Baptists, and other political figures had marched earlier in the day demanding action. After Nixon's response, many are still asleep and calm has been restored.